For nearly 40 years, despite being sodomized as a four-year-old, despite being molested by my mother, despite 30+ years of conservative ideologues, religious fundamentalists and corporate plantations running my country into the ground, despite a world that's been poisoned and is rapidly falling part, despite watching dreams go unfulfilled, despite heart breaks and divorce, despite financial setbacks, despite years of floundering for a purpose, and despite countless reasons not to be, I had managed to remain an optimist.
Oh, I wasn't a Pollyanna. I could see the shit in the world. But nevertheless, the old me would somehow see beyond it to something heartening. Turn the next corner and things will be looking up, I figured. Wait long enough and things will improve. Look at the big pic and be encouraged.
Well, no more. Nuh uh. Done.
Clinging to such optimism has led to nothing but bad choices, disappointment, heartache, and pain. It's a childish need that it's time to let go of. Like believing in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. Or god. Or lifelong monogamy. It's time to move forward without it.
Good riddance.
2 comments:
I've always been a realist/pessimist. That way, if the shit hits the fan, I'm not disapointed. And if things turn out OK, I'm pleasantly surprised. Fuck optimism.
Yeah, but that's always struck me as a defeatist way of looking at the world. It feels like capitulation to be here. It also feels authentic.
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